Sometimes, when I recall or listen to a song that I wrote a long time ago, I can really say that I was on to something or did a lot of things well in how the song was written and/or arranged. “Here And Now” is not one of those songs (insert crying eyes laughing emoji). I say that a bit tongue in cheek because there are some positive takeaways but only a select few.
I do remember very distinctly writing this song the night I had returned home from my internship in Sarasota. I left after eating breakfast with a few of the kids from the youth group and friends from the church (shoutout to Yoder’s on Bahia Vista Street) and literally drove until the sun was beginning to drop in the sky. I was tired, and I was surprisingly happy to be home, to see my folks and sleep in my own bed again.
But a depressing reality set in on me that night. I had some pretty destructive sin patterns in my life, the kind of secret sins that the world doesn’t see but that take a serious toll on one’s heart. The summer in Sarasota had provided a reprieve from those sin patterns. I don’t know if it was being in a new place or the impact that being in the ministry had on my personal walk with the Lord. Whatever it was, it was a welcome respite.
That came crashing down in very quick order once I was home. In the wake of quite a fall, this song came pouring out. It was a sincere prayer and cry for help. The song tells the story in a very literal sense. The first verse chronicles the trip home. The second verse speaks to the mountaintop experience of serving and working for the Lord for the last two and a half months turning into feeling like a complete failure as my sin overtook me again. The bridge is the Lord answering that cry for help. What grace and love!!
Even in that failure, I sensed God reminding me that I was made in His image, He still loved me, and the blood of Jesus was still sufficient to save me. I would continue to struggle until my senior year at Virginia Tech when I went through a study program that forced me into some real accountability. What I entered into was a daily struggle that I know will last until my death or the Lord’s return. But His mercies are new each day, I have rested in that truth for many years now, and I will continue to do so.
For the song itself, it’s too long. I basically packed too much into a single song. At 5 minutes and 43 seconds, no one’s really paying attention by the end. These are things I have learned as a songwriter. Not every song has to be radio-friendly under 4 minutes, but the human mind has a limit, especially the way that people consume music today. It’s a generational shift. So, you have to be able to say something profound but do so more succinctly.
The intro progression is interesting to me. I stunted my growth as a guitar player when I started playing modern worship songs. Most of them were in the key of G or D, and the chords were limited and basic. I attempted some variation of standard chords in this song that makes it stand out musically from most of the songs I had written up to this point in time.
The album recording features my good friend Doug Bender playing the violin. When we made One Foot In The Door, I had no clue how to tell another instrument or player what I wanted or what I was aiming for on a track. I just didn’t have the musical experience to speak the language in even a crude way. So, kudos to Doug for laying something down without any clear direction or guidance. If I could do it over, we would work to refine where the violin plays and what we want to achieve with it.
Lastly, I hit a terribly flat note in the vocal track on the tag of the last line of the chorus at the end of the song. It’s been a thorn in my side for 20 years, and it always will be. To try to move past it, I took the liberty of re-recording this song with just guitar and vocal. Let me know what you think about the story and this updated version of “Here And Now”!
